Unknown of the cause, I've become very lost in the blank state of my mind. Even to write this blog took mii about 3days to think about a topic to actually start typing away. Writing gibberish sentence by sentence, then backspacing them away repeatedly, it's become a norm of my life now. Uncertainty has gotten the best of mii, and I've lost the ability to focus and make critical decisions. To step in or step out; to do or not to do, things like these could get mii all agitated for the rest of the day, without a conclusion at the end. It's how I get through my life these days, pathetic as it seems, my life that is!
A flashback on who and what I previously was ~~ a person who makes all decisions by himself, a person who cares not of how people think, a person who knows not of the meaning of failure. Be it liked or hated by others, at least he was on a roll, he was pushing for something, he had an aim and a dream to accomplish. Now, it's like living in a shell left by that very person, not knowing of what to be expected of him, lost and blank as he is now. To be honest, I've even had second thoughts on my pre-determined career; 'What if I were to have taken that path? What if I were to have led that life? Would I be happy being what I am in future? Was my choice the right one in the end?', thoughts like these surfaced in my mind. Have I gone mad? Or is this just a short-term uncertainty syndrome? It worries mii, and to make matters worse, I've no idea or answer to those questions.
It wasn't pressure that made mii the way I am now. In fact I don't feel pressurized at all. It's a good thing though I still have the determination to continue on what I'm on route of, but the confidence and the will portrayed during the 1st two months of my 3rd year has taken a dramatic plunge. In short, I've lost my enthusiasm and concentration, regardless of the reason, I've taken a step backwards, I've lost my identity. You think it's because I feel bored about my career, no that's not the case. Not to mention relationship wise, I've also put a halt to all my emotions for now. Friends kept urging mii to get a partner fast and put an end those lonely nights. The only problem was, I've not even the mood for that! Surprisingly those words, coming out from me, myself! All I'm interested is in my games and dramas, other than that I've turned a blind eye towards them. I've shunned myself from getting too involved with my emotions, even though there ARE times, those nights were, as they say, quite lonely indeed.
Nevertheless, this is a lay-low period for mii. Seems to mii I'll need a significant push from somewhere somehow to get my engines up and running once more. Things aren't going too well for mii at the time being, and I'm gonna try to put them right. The enthusiasm and attitude has to be right, and I'll try to make sure that becomes a reality. The only task now is, how am I suppose to do that? Not all things come easy, and there will always be ups and downs in everything we do. In words, they sound nice and meaningful, but to actually understand and experience it is a matter of unknown boundaries. 'Life is like a canvas. It begins blank, and every day is like a brush stroke. Make your life a masterpiece', uttering those words, I stopped short, wondering how on earth did my 'masterpiece' of all reasons, revert back to the 'blank canvas' it once started out as.
Having said that now, I'm staring blankly even into my desktop, thinking of what I'm suppose to do right after this. Sleep? Yeah, sounds good to mii, it's a rainy night anyway, tucking into my cozy bed with a warm blanket on top seems perfect to end my day with. Oh well, that really sums up my life nowdays, incorrigible is all that describes of mii. I'll need to wake up a different person, soon, really soon, I hope....
Signing off:
Blanked Nickel Low CJ
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